


Gotta Talk

by MysticDodo



Series: Conversations [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Fanservice, GRi - Freeform, Love Wins, M/M, Made Tour, Nyongtory, Seungri's accident, Zutter, nrongtori
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 15:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4528245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticDodo/pseuds/MysticDodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gotta talk to you, maknae. What should we do? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gotta Talk

Papa YG had spoken with us over phone and email. So had the manager noonas travelling with us. There had been concern by our band mates, our friends…

_What are you doing? Don’t do that. Stop it. Stop playing games._

Oh, but it hasn’t been a game since my Seungri nearly died last year. My previous teasing, flirting, touching, fanservice, it had somewhat been a show, somewhat serious. G-Dragon the leader, Kwon Jiyong the confused man. The foolish man. A loser. I don’t play games with you anymore.

Maknae, I know I can be difficult. I know being around me can seem exhausting and it’s like you will never win at guessing what is going on inside my mind, tumbling with half formed lyrics, beats and choruses. My art. My music. My soul. My heart, though, belongs to you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realise it. Trying to deny it. Trying to hide it away and allow the rumours of Kiko to circulate. Deny the hidden meanings of our music videos and songs, go for the simplest, the more basic…

Let’s talk about love; how my love for you inspires me when nothing else can. You are my muse. The butterflies in my stomach when you say you love me. The delight I feel when you’re high on the love of performing, your eyes shining and your lips upturned. How my fingers ache to be touching some part of you, to reassure myself that you are there; your soft hair, your warm skin, your lips. You were so surprised when I made to kiss you during your performance of Let’s Talk About Love. Of course I got a scolding for it. So I done it again and again and again and…

And then Zutter was released.Immediately Papa YG dictated that your performance, your song, be replaced with GD&TOP. I was furious, sad, so very guilty. Angry because you worked so hard on your album and it – you – needed to get more recognition. Upset, because my, perhaps reckless, behaviour obviously caused this. Guilt. Guilt. So much guilt. For pushing you away, for playing with your mind and your feelings, for not being honest with my true nature.

Our contract with YG Entertainment is due for a renewal soon. I gotta talk to you, Seungri, I don’t know what to do about it. We love this. All of us. The adrenhalin of performances, the thrill of hearing the all of our national and international fans singing our songs, the hype of preparing and even the stress, the way I’m breathing down peoples’ necks trying to make sure everything is perfect. Breathing the same air for months at a time. Not having any space.

My mind is never silent. It gallops hundreds of miles per hour, words and phrases and quotes being teased into melodies even when I sleep. I can’t give up music. I can’t give up the only thing – aside from you – that keeps me sane. But… But I almost lost you. The fear. The devastation. The agony. The pain. The sleepless nights. The way Yongbae comforted me when I wanted to do something drastic. How Daesung sent me messages to make sure I was eating and sleeping okay. How Seunghyun sent me stupid online videos to try and make me smile. My sister, my mother, your family; how we feared and wished and prayed and I promised on whatever God existed that I would not take you for granted again. I knew how hard you worked. I could see it in your muscle shakes, in your sweat, in your fevered eyes. You nearly died trying to make sure you did not let any of us down.

Our contract renewal is coming up. Soon, we are performing in America, where love wins. Where gay marriage is legalised across all nations. Where I was going to kiss you. Maybe. I’m still a coward. But now, because of Zutter, that possibility has been eliminated. A harsh reminder that our own world on stage, with each other, is just a show. We don’t have the control, Papa YG does. He always has. He is a fantastic man, brilliant. Ruthless. Nonetheless, I couldn’t stop my eyes filling with tears when I thought about you, backstage, with your bravado face, being my strong baby. Papa YG, why? Do I go with my heart or my passion? My emotions or mind? My love for you or my love for music? I don’t know what to do. I am at a crossroads, lost, confused and desperate for direction. Maknae, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Love is beautiful no matter how you identify. It is natural. It is wonderful and it should be celebrated!


End file.
